Losing Control

From the outside it may look like I have it together, well that is definitely not the case! I am constantly fighting an internal battle of control issues, obsessions and standards I hold solely for myself. This has been an eternal struggle for most of my life, and has become more challenging as of late. Let me give you an example of some of the insanity that happens within my crazy.

So, we are currently on vacation and it is Wonderful! Family time and grandparents to help lessen the load of the daily toddler adventures with a lot of outings, pool time and some alone time with the hubs. Perfect right?! Well for me it is very hard to let go of control, I live in my perfect little bubble and I control every aspect of my days. Mostly, due to control being the only thing I can “control” most of the time and partially due to my personality.

On the daily I can keep my dogs under control by keeping them inside in a controlled space and redirecting them as needed. On vacation they are “on vacation“ and running wild and this, as crazy as it sounds causes me great stress and anxiety. Today, I had a meltdown after the umpteenth time telling them to quit barking and basically lost all “control”. For most of you reading this it sounds insane and I get it! I know it’s insanity but it’s where I focus my stress and anxiety which derives from post trauma loss of control. Do I think I could have controlled, stopped or somehow altered what happened to Zoë? No, but the guilt of it all creates what I call the crazy and or insanity that fills my days with what seems so simple or not a big deal to most people.

So, I fall back to coping mechanisms and after my initial meltdown, I went for a walk. This walk was long and as I walked I reminded myself that dogs bark, that I’m the reason we have dogs and that I need to adjust my behavior and so forth. It takes a lot for me to redirect myself and to calm down once I’ve reeled out of control. It also takes a lot of energy. This is the behind the scenes of grief and trauma, the internal battle over small simple normal things that occur in life. The things that most people do on the daily and never think twice about it being hard or annoying.

I used to be a calmer person. I used to be able to control the crazy or at least release it on bigger issues, not the smaller issues. Someday, this will balance out I hope. If you are reading this and have felt this same way, then I think it’s safe to say it’s all a part of the process and it’s ok, to not be ok, all of the time. It’s ok to lose control. We all have those days but, some of us have a little more to work through on those days.